I turned fifty!
birthday cake at Salish Lodge & Spa
FIFTY AND MOVING FORWARD.
I am stepping into my 51st tour of the sun today and for a lot of reasons, it’s complicated and bittersweet.
Before I met my (now deceased) husband, I didn’t celebrate my birthday with a free spirit or enjoyment. I’d come to be bogged down by what people in my life - and inner circle - would be willing to gift me in celebration of my “special day”. Over many years, I developed a strong belief in the lie that my value was in how people showed up to celebrate me or in how well they anticipated what I wanted and went to great lengths to get those things for me. (Dang Hallmark movies.)
And even when people did things for me that I said I wanted or thought I would enjoy, I always had this tiny bit - in some cases large bricks - of lingering disappointment in the outcome. Something was always missing.
SPURRED ON BY LOVE.
Being with my Mister - my nickname for my beloved - began to shift some of the ways that I understood my value. He made it safe to be honest about my complex thinking around being celebrated and helped to dig up some of the deeply rooted ickiness that needed to be addressed. I’m so grateful that I had the opportunity to be his wife.
He’s a big part of why I’m not just celebrating my birthday on my birthday, but why I’m going to strive to celebrate throughout the year and everyday that I get to live even though we’re not doing these things together. Because, oh did we have plans. And dreams. We were only just getting started.
And while my temptation is to hide out and avoid attention that leads to disappointment on my 50th birthday, I want to also honor my husband and our lives together by continuing to live and bring glory to God despite the gaping hole in my heart. Mister celebrated others well.
I’m going to follow his lead and make this birthday a year long celebration filled with adventure.
Our second trip to Washington State, July 2018
THE ADVENTURE.
The prayer + the plan is to do fifty things over the course of the year that will keep me moving through the grief and loss of my love. I am going to finish a few things I’ve started, do + see a lot of things we excitedly discussed together and then try some new things that just dare me to face a lot of fears I’ve had over the years. Most of the things on this list are about me and for me, things I’ll do with just me.
And THAT is the adventure.
Even when I was married, I took time to do things alone; solo retreats, see movies, even grocery shopping…
There was something truly nourishing in being able to have extended periods of time doing things that I enjoyed (or didn’t enjoy) without needing to divert my attention, energy + talents to someone else. I know this can seem selfish - especially for wives + mothers. We are told that who we are and our value is attached to the people who we serve + care for. And though those relationships + responsibilities are gifts, they can become overwhelming + obtrusive.
Hear me.
You can be who you are called to be for the people you love and still pursue a relationship with yourself.
You’re changing + growing (at least I hope you are), constantly being transformed by God into who He has made you to be. A lot of times we can put this all on hold for “someday when”. And when that someday finally comes, we are deeply grieved because we did not spend time with the woman we now have more time for. We neglected her. We put her on the back burner - if we thought of her at all. We neglect her health. We bury her excitement + desires to dream. We tamp down her voice + creativity. Truthfully, we ignore her and who she really is.
But, we don’t have to do that.
I’m not going to do that.
And so, while I’ve put a lot of things for myself on hold for the 14 months that my hubby was sick with cancer, I’m leaning into nourishment + healing from God this year and really prioritizing these 50 activities and many more hours in solitude with Him to reconnect with the woman He has created me to be and is transforming me into.
This list may change as I experience some of the things, but I will update this blog post every month when I experience part of the adventure of being fifty, widowed + living in a new place. Even if you’re not 50, I hope that something on this list inspires you to reconnect with you and to let God show you His deep, everlasting love for you. I promise you, it will be an adventure.
the list:
DEVELOP (7)
Fill TROVE notebook
Have a Solo Retreat Experience - for research (wink!)
Launch GROW with God Beta Membership
Have handwriting turned into a font
New Will, Advanced Directive, Hippa Authorization & Power of Attorney
Create my own “Reading List” (10 books)
Pinterest Platform
EXPERIENCE (39)
Mister’s ashes - something creative that represents us
Find a WA church home
Have a super bougie spa day
Have a professional photoshoot
Visit an amusement park
Visit a Michelin-Starred Restaurant/Sit at the Chef’s Table
Visit San Juan Islands
Visit Alki Beach (rent a bicycle)
Host a Themed Get Together
Take a Baking Class
Sing Karaoke
Host a book club/read-a-thon or book social of sorts
Outstanding in the Field
Hawaii trip with D (Kutcher rental)
Visit a city where they don't speak your language
Have a Parisian experience
Go on a silent retreat
Fly 1st Class
Watch a sunrise
Watch a sunset
Splurge on an extravagant purse
Attend Beautycounter LEAD (in-person)
Read Roots
Watch Roots, The Series
Tour Wine Country PNW 3 nights, 4 days
Go to a Jazz Club
Train Trip (glass ceilings)
Go to a Book Festival
Visit Canada
Start a pin map to track all my travel adventures
Buy new vehicle, trade Honda in
re-read Harry Potter Series (summer)
Tour the Seattle Public Library
Visit the Space Needle
Visit Bellevue Botanical Gardens
Go on a Savor Seattle Food Tour
Try Acupuncture
Golf 9 holes (after taking lessons)
Complete 60 Peleton bike rides
GIVE (1)
Support - with resources, time, talents + voice - XYZ ministry (still praying for clarity about this one)
LEARN (3)
Godly understanding/stewardship of finances, bills, business + credit score
Learn to swim: tread water for 10 minutes + back float
Take a Hip Hop Class
23/50
